Grief and Anxiety
…No one tells you these things.
Before my husband died I never really thought that grief and anxiety would go together so intricately as they do. Boy was I in for a rude awakening
I was 36 years old when I became a widow. Life was not perfect and my marriage was full of ups and downs, just like all marriages.
We had a son who was 6 at the time. He was learning to navigate his first year in “big boy school” and he was not having fun!
It was my husband’s 39th birthday and we spent that morning celebrating him and how much we loved him even though he could be a pain in the butt. I didn’t know it, as he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me, but I would never hear him say those word again.
I dropped our happy little munchkin off at school full of excitement for the evening’s festivities of celebrating daddy.
At work my husband and I exchanged a few texts buttoning up our plans. He was staying home that morning because he was tired and why not just enjoy his birthday and have some me time.
The moment life changed forever
Shortly after my phone rang, it was him and I was laughing as I answered because he never could go long without talking to me. I answered the phone.
“Miss me already?” I said teasing him
But it wasn’t him. A lady on the phone said “does your husband drive a red Jeep?”
Confused and immediately worried I answered yes. Her voice was so soothing as she explained that my husband was in a car crash.
“He’s breathing, but he is not conscious…”
Those words still bounce around in my head to this day, almost 3 years later.
I rushed to the hospital, his parents beat me there. They are pacing the floor in the waiting room full of anxiety, as I walk in. Finally we are called back into a room and the doctor begins to explain that he had suffered a massive heart attack, they have been performing “life saving measures for an hour, he is not responding…what would your husband want? Should be stop? Its been so long…?”
Anxiety walked into my life…right there. The first of a thousand decisions that I would be faced with to make alone. To this day decisions are plagued with anxiety, I who was always so decisive…now cringe at the smallest of decisions.
Your mind breaks to keep you sane
Ironically this makes you feel like you’re going crazy. I remember thinking all sorts of random things after the doctor said he was gone.
Things like, I haven’t finished payroll at work. I need to call them so everyone can get paid.
Who thinks these things while learning of your husband’s death?
Months later as I replayed these moments in my head I was completely convinced that this was the moment that I started going crazy. You see, nothing made sense anymore. The Center For Loss states that “perhaps the most isolating and frightening part of your grief journey is the sense of disorganization, confusion, searching and yearning that often comes with the loss.”
They state that in this stage of grief you can feel as if you are going crazy. I don’t remember seeing this in the stages of grief diagram that my therapist handed me.
Your body begins to defy you!
I was trying so desperately to keep everything together. To be there for my son, to continue working so I could provide for him. That I forgot to take care of myself.
I remember after the initial few months of being numb, I began to not feel well. My heart was racing while working at my desk. I could hear and feel my heart in my chest and neck.
I ran to the cardiologist convinced that I had something wrong with my heart.
He was my mom’s doctor and I had know him for years through his care of my mom.
He was so kind and soothing. The doctor did a complete work up and stress test.
After all the tests were completed he gently help my hand and told me I was having panic attacks.
Wait what???
Anxiety?
Noooo you see this happens while at work, not thinking of HIM, was he sure.
Turns out he was right. My desire to not deal with his death, was causing sever anxiety.
I had all this grief and it had nowhere to go.
Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Symptoms of anxiety include:
- Irritability
- Trouble sleeping
- Lack of concentration
- Social anxiety
- Excessive worrying
- Constantly tired
Anxiety after a significant loss can cause panic attacks.
Symptoms of a panic attack can include:
- Racing heart rate
- Breathing difficulties
- Tingling or numbness in the hands or fingers
- Feeling dizzy or faint
- Chest pains
No wonder I felt like I was having a heart attack. This was exactly what I was experiencing. And unfortunately I still suffer from these on a regular basis. The panic can hit at any time. Sitting at work, socializing with friends, over thinking situations and sometimes it’s while watching TV.
Sometimes I have no idea why I am experiencing anxiety. Other times these attack are triggered by my awareness that I am alone, that I may never feel safe like I use to feel.
Or the anxiety can come because I am learning to live again…without him.
Insert guilt that turns into anxiety.
Grief and anxiety can feel like fear
C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid”
I remember reading this within the first year of widowhood and it was like a finally knew for sure that what I was feeling was real.
Fear is a very real part of grief. When you lose a spouse you lose your sense of security, finances and your daily support system. Initially the fear of not having these things causes such anguish and fear, it is hard to even breath.
Years later the fear is still there, some fears are the same and the extra fun part is that new fears have been added.
Not only do I stress about the finances, not having help and parenting my son alone, now I get to add the fear of moving forward.
In a recent blog post Shhhhh I’m a liar don’t tell anyone I wrote about these fears.
“I speak about not wanting to ever be in another relationship. How it’s just too much work.
But secretly…that’s not the case. I want love and be loved again more that anything, but the notion of loving again literally paralyzes me with fear. For if I love, then I can feel this pain all over again.” And the vicious cycle of anxity starts
Fear is something that I must learn to breathe through. I have begun working out and I use breathing techniques to help control the panic.
Eventually this grief, anxiety and fear will be further in the background of my mind.
Until then I need to relax and learn to enjoy the ride.
If you would like to read more on Grief:
